If you want to stand up for yourself but always feel the tears coming, you’re not alone. It can be really difficult and frustrating when crying becomes a major obstacle to expressing yourself—especially when you know that what you have to say is valid and important. There might be many reasons why you tend to cry, like emotional distress or lack of self confidence, but you shouldn't feel like there’s no way to stand up for yourself without crying, or that you’re stuck in the same situation every time: we hope that with the help of these strategies, you’ll be able to prioritize and stand up for yourself, and gain the respect that you deserve.
[Edit]Steps
[Edit]Take deep breaths.
- Taking deep breaths activates a natural relaxation response. If you feel like you’re on the verge of crying, you’re likely feeling stressed and overwhelmed. Taking a deep breath is a quick but effective way to reduce tension and stress. By taking deep breaths, you’re sending a message to your brain to calm down—your heart rate, blood pressure, and breathing will all decrease. This may help you stand up for yourself without crying because you’ll feel more relaxed and grounded.[1]
- You can even practice special breathing exercises to help relax. For example, you can try belly breathing: sit or lie flat, put one hand on your belly, and take a deep breath in through your nose, letting your belly push your hand out. Then breathe out through pursed lips and use your hand to push the air out of your belly. Repeat 3-10 times, taking your time with each breath.
- If you can get a few minutes by yourself, close your eyes while you're taking deep breaths, and imagine something that makes you feel peaceful and happy.[2]
[Edit]Use “I” statements to reduce defensiveness.
- Using “I” language will make the encounter less hostile. By using “I” statements, you can help draw the conversation away from an atmosphere that becomes too negative and accusatory. When you focus on communicating your perspective without trying to attack the other person, you can help defuse the situation and tone down intense emotions that might be causing you to cry.[3]
- For example, rather than saying “You really hurt me when you said that,” try saying instead, “I was hurt by what you said.”
- Or, if you are disagreeing with the other person, you can say something like “I understand why you feel that way and I hear you, but this is how I feel.”
[Edit]Speak firmly and deliberately.
- Another way to prevent yourself from crying is to be deliberate. Rather than going on and on, say what you want to and then stop and wait for the other person to respond. Even if you have a lot you want to say, you’ll be able to get to it in in time—but if you let yourself get caught up in your frustration and sadness all at once, you may be more likely escalate your emotions and begin crying.[4]
- Try not to raise your voice or show that you’re upset. By keeping cool and being as fact-based as possible, you’ll make it easier for yourself to get your points across.
[Edit]Pretend you’re acting and everyone else is an actor too.
- Thinking of the encounter as part of a script may help you distance yourself emotionally. Then, it won’t feel so much like real life or a really personal encounter—but rather something you can get through with a clear head because it’s constructed and not real. Instead of being caught up in the moment, pretend that you and everyone around you are just acting out a scene in a movie or play. This might help you get through what you need to say without crying.
- For example, imagine that you’re standing on a stage in a theater. You might be the main character, and the person you’re standing up to is the antagonist. As you speak, try your best to believe that everything you say, and that they say in response, is part of a written script or predetermined plot.
[Edit]Use quick tricks to ward off the tears.
- If the encounter is unexpected or you’re caught off guard, you can try some tricks. Some of these strategies are more physical, while others are more mental. They can help provide you with an emotional cooldown by briefly distracting you from the situation. The next time you feel like you’re going to cry when you’re standing up for yourself, try one of these tricks:[5]
- Push your tongue against the roof of your mouth.
- Pinch the skin between your thumb and pointer finger.
- Try to think of words that rhyme.
- Count backward from 100 in 7s.
[Edit]Stand up tall.
- Having better body posture can boost your confidence. You may find yourself crying because you don’t have confidence in yourself, but research has found that your body posture can actually make you think more positive thoughts about yourself.[6] Try to stand straight, plant your feet wide, and keep your head up—you may find that you feel better about your worth and what you have to say.[7]
- You can train yourself to be aware of your body posture at any time (not just during confrontations), which is a great confidence boost in general. Do this by checking in on your posture throughout the day: correct your posture if you find yourself slumping at any time, and it will become more natural and effortless over time!
[Edit]Postpone the discussion if you need time to calm down.
- If the situation allows, try scheduling a future time for the encounter. This way, rather than feeling rushed or overwhelmed about the current situation, you’ll have time to calm down and think about what you’re going to say.[8]
- For example, if you are dealing with a sibling who always picks on you, tell them that you’d like to speak with them the next week about it, rather than lashing out in the moment.
[Edit]Rehearse what you’re going to say.
- If possible, plan out how you’re going to stand up for yourself. You’ll be less likely to stumble, get tongue twisted, or spiral into emotional distress. By practicing as much as possible, not only can you increase your confidence and decrease your nerves, you’ll also be better at keeping the conversation on track and as objective as possible, rather than getting caught up in the emotional intensity of the moment.[9]
- There are many different ways you can practice staying cool during the later encounter. For example, you can practice with yourself in the mirror, or close your eyes and simply run through the scenario in your head, or even role play with a friend or family member!
[Edit]Cry before the encounter.
- Getting the emotions out first can help you avoid crying later. If you know that the encounter is coming up in the future rather than happening in the immediate moment, you can try processing the emotions beforehand by letting yourself cry. Once you’ve already dealt with the emotions, you might be more likely to stay calm later.[10]
[Edit]Acknowledge your fear or anxiety.
- One reason you may be crying is because you feel overwhelmed by anxiety. You might be anticipating and dreading that it’s going to happen. It’s hard to get away from that, even if you want to stand up for yourself—but battling against it might be making it worse. Experiencing anxiety is totally normal, so try and take a moment to accept the anxiety first before speaking, which might help lessen rather than make it worse.[11]
- For example, step away from the other person or situation for a moment (if possible) and take a second to collect yourself. Recognize that you are anxious about dealing with this, but that your anxiety is normal and temporary.
[Edit]Think positive thoughts to change your mindset.
- Once you’ve acknowledged your anxious thoughts, try to actively change them. Rather than letting the feeling of uncontrollability overwhelm you, help yourself out by turning your thoughts to positivity and optimism. This will help you go into the encounter with a calmer, less agitated mindset—and you’ll feel more comfortable standing up for yourself as a result.[12]
- For example, if you’re not sure how you’re going to get through the confrontation, tell yourself, “I’m going to go out there and try my best. It might seem impossible right now, but it’s a success even if I make a little bit of progress.”
- Imagine how proud you'll be after you stand up for yourself. Remember, you're worthy of your own protection, so don't be afraid to stand up for yourself.[13]
[Edit]Tips
- It’s okay if you aren’t successful on your first or even first couple of tries. It’s important to recognize that not only is crying a common and understandable reaction to emotional distress, but that you can still make a stand and get your point across even if you are crying. You’ll get better with time and practice—so be easy on yourself during the journey!
[Edit]References
- ↑ https://www.uofmhealth.org/health-library/uz2255
- ↑ [v161308_b01]. 19 March 2020.
- ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5961625/
- ↑ https://www.forbes.com/sites/kathycaprino/2013/11/04/5-critical-steps-to-fearless-confrontation/?sh=e9614cd2b4de
- ↑ https://www.nytimes.com/2018/10/14/well/mind/how-to-stop-yourself-from-crying.html
- ↑ https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/10/091005111627.htm
- ↑ https://www.businessinsider.com/body-language-tricks-appear-more-confident-2016-3#-5
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/overwhelmed-these-6-strategies-may-help#4
- ↑ https://www.nytimes.com/2018/10/14/well/mind/how-to-stop-yourself-from-crying.html
- ↑ https://www.nytimes.com/2018/10/14/well/mind/how-to-stop-yourself-from-crying.html
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/overwhelmed-these-6-strategies-may-help#1
- ↑ https://hbr.org/2017/05/how-to-have-difficult-conversations-when-you-dont-like-conflict
- ↑ [v161308_b01]. 19 March 2020.
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