Feeling under-appreciated, or completely unappreciated, by your partner is bad for your relationship and your own wellbeing. While you can’t force your significant other to appreciate you more, having calm, clear, and frequent conversations on the subject may lead to improvement. It’s also important for you to show appreciation for yourself and your life—this is something you can control!
[Edit]Steps
[Edit]Sharing Your Feelings
- Use “I” statements to clearly but gently share how you feel. Never assume that your partner knows you feel under-appreciated—tell them! When you do tell them, though, don’t use accusatory “you” statements. Instead, relate how you are feeling by relying on “I” statements.[1]
- For example, instead of, “You don’t appreciate any of the work I do around the house,” try, “I don’t feel appreciated when the work I do around the house goes unnoticed.”
- Do your best to remain calm and composed as you share your feelings. It’s best, when possible, to wait for an opportunity when both of you have the time and the right attitude for a true conversation.
- Identify consequences without begging or demanding. After using one or several “I” statements to express your feelings of under-appreciation, follow up with one or more “I” statements on potential consequences. “Consequences” doesn’t necessarily mean a “fix this or we’re through” ultimatum—although that may be the case sometimes—but you do need to clearly identify where things may be headed.[2]
- For example: “I have feelings of resentment because of the lack of appreciation, and I’m worried that our relationship will be permanently damaged.”
- Or: “I think this relationship may not be worth continuing if things remain the same.”
- Listen closely and give your partner a chance to respond. It’s hard to predict how your partner will respond, but it’s important that you give them a chance to do so. They might be surprised, remorseful, apologetic, offended, or even angry. So long as they do not create a threatening or unhealthy situation, let them have their say.[3]
- Don’t interrupt, even if you vehemently disagree with their perspective on the situation—for instance, if they insist that they “show you way more appreciation” than you ever show them.
- Unless they go completely off the rails, consider cutting your partner some slack on their initial response. It can be very difficult to hear that your partner doesn’t think you appreciate them.
- If you make it clear that you’re listening and that you respect their point of view, it’s more likely that you’ll be able to move forward in a positive direction.
- Support your partner if they express a desire to improve. This is the best-case scenario, so be ready to help make it happen! If your partner apologizes and pledges to do better, validate their goal and offer your support in tangible ways.[4]
- For example: “I accept your apology and I’m so happy that you’re committed to making changes. Can we talk about some strategies we both can use to improve how we show appreciation and gratitude?”
- If they express a desire to seek outside help, such as by seeing a counselor, you might show your support by helping them to find a therapist or by shuffling your schedule so they can make their appointments.
- Keep the lines of communication open as an ongoing process. Don’t expect to fix this problem in a single conversation! If your partner is willing, commit to openly and frequently talking about this issue and all the others that will inevitably arise in your relationship.[5]
- For example: “I’m really glad we talked like this, and I think it might really help. Can we set aside some time each week to talk about our feelings?”
- Follow through on the consequences if nothing changes. Unfortunately, your partner may be unwilling to commit to positive change. If so, it’s important that you stick to the consequences you laid out when you raised the issue of feeling unappreciated. Doing so will be extremely difficult if it means ending the relationship, but you owe it to yourself to prioritize your emotional health.[6]
- It’s sometimes possible, although challenging, to sustain a reasonably healthy relationship even when you feel under-appreciated. Be honest with yourself about the costs and benefits of continuing the relationship versus ending it.
- If you’re experiencing physical or emotional abuse alongside a lack of appreciation, get out of the relationship for your own safety and wellbeing.
[Edit]Encouraging Appreciation
- Model the behavior you want to see by showing appreciation. You’re almost certain to feel as though you show your partner lots of appreciation, but step back and make an honest assessment. Is your resentment about not being appreciated causing you to withhold appreciation? Can you do more to model the appreciative behavior you desire from your partner?[7]
- “Punishing” your partner by not showing appreciation is unlikely to help and more likely to make things worse. Instead of contributing to a downward spiral, aim to raise the bar on showing appreciation.
- Showing appreciation is easy! (And that’s why it’s so frustrating that your partner doesn’t do it!) While a simple, sincere “thank you” can go a long way, try using the word “appreciate” when possible: “I really appreciate your helping me with the laundry today.”
- Show appreciation by (sometimes, not always) putting your partner’s needs first. A healthy, rewarding relationship requires give-and-take, compromise, and sacrifice. Part of modeling the appreciation you hope to receive involves putting your partner’s needs in front of your own. Keep in mind, though, that it is not desirable or healthy for you to do this all the time—you deserve to prioritize your own needs as well![8]
- Putting your partner first may be as simple as letting them choose where to go for dinner. Or, it might be a major decision, like relocating for their career. If you’re feeling unappreciated by your partner, though, don’t feel obligated to make life-altering sacrifices until they prove capable of making positive changes!
- Reward honest appreciation genuinely and specifically. Positive reinforcement works better than negative reinforcement, no matter if it’s for a child, a pet, or an under-appreciative significant other! Instead of criticizing instances when they don’t show appreciation, point out and praise every single instance when they do. They’ll begin to crave this praise and will do what it takes to earn more of it![9]
- Specifically point out what the other person did that’s so praiseworthy: “I appreciate so much that you took the time to drive my mother to her doctor’s appointment today, Devon.”
- Express and reward appreciation in ways that suit each of you. Voicing your appreciation isn’t the only way to show it, and, according to the concept of “love languages,” you or your partner may respond better to other methods. Talk with your partner about which signs of appreciation most resonate with you. The 5 “love languages” are as follows:[10]
- Words of affection. Voicing appreciation is most effective.
- Quality time. Show appreciation by spending time doing something together that the other person really enjoys.
- Acts of service. Take actions that demonstrate appreciation.
- Physical contact. Depending on the person, this can range from gentle cuddling to vigorous bedroom activity!
- Receiving gifts. A thoughtful, personalized gift shows appreciation, but the act of giving the gift is at least as important.
- Do a list-making exercise about appreciation with your partner. This is a variation on a couples counseling exercise, with “appreciated” subbed in for “loved.” Individually write up and share a list of several statements that start as follows: “I feel appreciated when you….” Then, write up and share several statements that start like this: “I would feel more appreciated if you….” After sharing your lists, take turns standing up and sharing what you will do to better show appreciation to your partner.[11]
- For example: “I feel appreciated when you volunteer to do the dishes after I make dinner.”
- And: “I would feel more appreciated if you said “thank you” sincerely more often.”
- Then: “I will show more appreciation to you by respecting your need to relax for a little while after work.”
[Edit]Appreciating Yourself
- Take time each day to identify things you’re grateful for. Think of this as the first part of a 2-part “appreciation exercise.” Take some time to yourself to think up (or write down) around 5-10 things you appreciate in your life each day.[12]
- You might, for example, identify your appreciation for your health, your family, your pet, your job, and the safe community you live in.
- Taking the time to think about what you appreciate helps get you in the right frame of mind to recognize why and for what you deserve appreciation.
- Remind yourself daily that you are worthy of appreciation. Make this part 2 of your appreciation exercise. Now that you’ve thought of some things that you appreciate, write, speak, or think to yourself about why you deserve appreciation. Focus both on why you are inherently worthy of appreciation, as well as particular actions that deserve to be appreciated.[13]
- For example, you might say something like the following to yourself: “I appreciate the good in my life and in those around me, and the good in me deserves appreciation as well.”
- Then, you might add something like this: “I am worthy of appreciation because I try hard to keep our home running smoothly.”
- Make time for a regular self-care routine that calms and restores you. Taking some “me time” when you need it isn’t selfish. Consider scheduling a regular time for self-care activities, but also be ready to take some time for self-care when you need it. Things like meditation, yoga, nature walks, spa days, crafting, gardening, fixing things, soaking in the tub, or reading a good book might work—find the best options for you![14]
- If you get resistance from your partner, be clear but caring: “I need this time to myself to relax and recharge, so I can be more present and positive when we’re together.”
- Look for ways you can improve without blaming yourself. There’s a fine line here—don’t tell yourself that it’s your fault that you’re not being appreciated! That said, do reflect on things that are under your control and which may be getting in the way of the appreciation you deserve. Work to make positive changes, and remember to appreciate yourself for your efforts![15]
- For example, do you sometimes possibly misinterpret efforts by your partner to show at least some amount of appreciation? If so, can you work to be more open to accepting appreciation in a broader sense, while at the same time being clear with your partner that you need to feel appreciated?
- Build up your self-appreciation with professional guidance. At the end of the day, you can’t control whether or not your partner gives you the appreciation you deserve. But you can control whether you show yourself this appreciation, and working with a therapist may help you achieve self-appreciation.[16]
- Talk to your doctor about therapist recommendations. Look for a therapist with experience dealing with patients in situations similar to yours.
- Your therapist might show you visualization techniques, cognitive behavioral therapy (CBI) approaches, and other methods to build your self-esteem and self-appreciation.
[Edit]Tips
- Accept that your relationship is unique, which means that it won’t look exactly the same or require the same solutions as anyone else’s. That said, some degree of mutual appreciation is essential to a healthy, stable, happy relationship.[17]
[Edit]References
- ↑ https://www.parent.com/how-to-take-action-when-youre-feeling-unappreciated/
- ↑ https://inlpcenter.org/5-steps-to-cure-his-lack-of-appreciation-once-and-for-all/
- ↑ https://www.parent.com/how-to-take-action-when-youre-feeling-unappreciated/
- ↑ https://inlpcenter.org/5-steps-to-cure-his-lack-of-appreciation-once-and-for-all/
- ↑ https://inlpcenter.org/5-steps-to-cure-his-lack-of-appreciation-once-and-for-all/
- ↑ https://www.parent.com/how-to-take-action-when-youre-feeling-unappreciated/
- ↑ https://inlpcenter.org/5-steps-to-cure-his-lack-of-appreciation-once-and-for-all/
- ↑ https://inlpcenter.org/5-steps-to-cure-his-lack-of-appreciation-once-and-for-all/
- ↑ https://inlpcenter.org/5-steps-to-cure-his-lack-of-appreciation-once-and-for-all/
- ↑ https://source.colostate.edu/whats-love-language-expressing-love-way-partner-will-appreciate/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/anger-in-the-age-entitlement/201804/the-most-important-thing-you-can-say-your-partner
- ↑ https://www.health.harvard.edu/healthbeat/giving-thanks-can-make-you-happier
- ↑ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4814782/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/click-here-happiness/201812/self-care-12-ways-take-better-care-yourself
- ↑ https://www.parent.com/how-to-take-action-when-youre-feeling-unappreciated/
- ↑ https://www.parent.com/how-to-take-action-when-youre-feeling-unappreciated/
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/anger-in-the-age-entitlement/201804/the-most-important-thing-you-can-say-your-partner
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