Even though we all have value and a right to our opinions, you may feel intimidated if you find yourself debating a point with someone who has had more opportunities than you. This can include access to higher education, social status, or economic advantages. Arguing with a person in a position of privilege can be very stressful, especially when arguing about society or the privilege(s) they hold. In order to have the most effective discussion with the person who holds the privilege, you should prepare what you want to say, keep a calm demeanor during the discussion, and take time to reflect on the argument. Hopefully, you can manage to have a constructive conversation and you will both learn from each other’s perspectives.
EditSteps
EditOrganizing Your Thoughts
- Take a moment to compose yourself. If you are confronted in the moment with the opportunity to argue with a person of privilege, before you speak, take a moment to gather your thoughts. Take a moment to process the statement or the situation and reflect quickly on what you’d like to say and how to say it.
- For example, if you are at work and hear a man say something negative about a woman, take a moment to process the statement and think about a respectful response. You could say to them, “I really don’t appreciate those types of statements about women. Can we talk about why that’s offensive towards women?”
- Research the topic. When you know the subject you want to discuss with someone beforehand, do ample research so you are prepared with all the facts you will need. This can be relatively simply due to the internet having a wide array of news available at the click of a button. Try to find as many sources of news as possible and learn what is happening in the world.
- If the topic contains an academic subject (such as law) research scholarly articles using Google Scholar or other sites for academic journals and books.
- Always be careful to read and research using reliable news sources. The Internet is full of inaccurate and unverifiable information, so make sure that the information you are using for your argument is reliable.
- For example, if you are talking to someone about the income inequality between women and men, it would be good to look up the stats of how much less women make compared to men instead of making a blanket statement that men make more.
- Know your position. Arguing your side is most effective if you are knowledgeable about the position you are taking. Make sure you know your facts and have the statistics and sources to prove them. Not only should you know your side, you should know the likely counterarguments that will arise from the other person. You can ask family and friends about their opinions on the topic so you have a wide range of viewpoints to consider.
- While researching your topic, try to read articles that have an opposing view tp yours so you have a general idea of what counterarguments may arise.
- Be careful to not get too caught up in blogs and the comment sections of articles. Oftentimes, those are being written from an emotional standpoint. So while you can get a sense of how the other person feels, do not confuse it for factual information.
- Consider the situation. If the person holds a position of power over you, or could pose a safety threat, it may be dangerous to point out their privilege. If you could lose your job, get kicked out of your house, be physically attacked, or otherwise be harmed by disagreeing with this person, don't proceed. Your physical and emotional safety comes first.
- For example, it may not be wise to confront your boss about his privilege if you’ve been recently hired. Most jobs are at will and any hostility you show could be shown as having a poor temperament.
EditMaking Your Argument
- Be respectful, but firm. While engaging in the argument, try to uphold their character while being critical of bad behavior. People can easily take criticism of their behavior as criticism of their character, so make it clear that you respect them as a human being. If they have been oppressive, phrase the issue as a deviation from their usually good behavior, rather than an attack on them.
- For example, if your friend has been making negative statements about the Muslim community, you could say, "You're such a fair-minded person. I'm surprised to hear these remarks about Muslims coming from you."
- If your neighbor made a disrespectful comment about autistic persons, say, "I'm surprised a considerate and thoughtful person like you would support a eugenics organization like Autism Speaks."
- Encourage them to question their privileged reasoning. Critical thinking and consideration of other perspectives are a key part of social justice discourse, so encourage them to use these skills. They may come to new realizations and change their position. Even if they don't, the questions you ask will likely stick in their minds and they may gradually change their minds.[1]
- Respond thoughtfully. Once you have had the opportunity to speak your mind and they have given their side of the argument, think about what they said before you respond. If you immediately begin to respond after they have finished talking, it could come across as though you weren’t listening. Take a moment to reflect on what they said so you can respond effectively.[4]
- For example, if they just said, “I think black people should just stop complaining and stop being lazy.” You could follow up with, “I hear that you think black people are lazy. Well, truthfully that’s incorrect. Black people actually are widely discriminated against and oftentimes difficult for them to get hired for good paying jobs to support their families.”[5]
- Rely on facts, not feelings. Use statistics and studies to back up the points you make, and make it clear that your viewpoint is carefully based upon the reality of the world. Here are examples of clear facts.
- American police killed have killed nearly 850 people in 2016.[6] Canada has about 25 fatal police shootings per year, Germany had 15 in 2 years (including armed victims), and Iceland has had 1 in 71 years of existence.[7]
- Shaming overweight people actually hurts their health: its victims' mental health deteriorates, and they become even fatter.[8] Conversely, fat acceptance blogs can improve readers' health.[9]
- People with mental illnesses are no more likely to be violent than the general population.[10] They are much more likely to be victims of violence.[11]
- Keep your cool. Effective arguing is not about who can yell the loudest, it’s about expressing your facts and opinions in a meaningful and convincing manner. If you raise your voice, they will naturally want to yell back, which turns your argument into a shouting match. Additionally, if you yell at someone they'll likely respond with defensiveness or aggressiveness, and productive dialogue will be lost. If you start getting frustrated, angry, or overwhelmed, find ways to calm yourself.[12]
- Take a moment to calm down. Try closing your eyes and taking a long, deep breath. Try not to do this in an obnoxious way. The person could see this as a sign of aggravation and not want to continue the conversation with you.
- If the other person is speaking too quickly, ask them to slow down. "I want to understand what you're saying, and it's difficult when you speak so fast. Would you please slow down and restate what you said?"
- Recognize when it's time to quit. Say "I need some air" or "I don't want to talk about this anymore" if...
- They try to gaslight you (Try to make you believe your past didn't happen how you remember it).
- They try to tell you or make you feel like your experiences aren't valid.
- They become aggressive or threatening.
- They prove that they're not willing to understand your side. ("Nothing can change my mind...")
- You don't feel that you can comfortably continue the discussion.
EditReflecting After the Argument
- Take some time to recover. Arguing with a person in a position of privilege, especially if they are in a position of power over you, can be a tiring experience. Don't push yourself to do anything challenging right away.
- Do breathing exercises or take a walk.
- Let out your emotions. Cry, scream into a pillow, punch the sofa, and do whatever you need to do in order to release your feelings. It's normal and okay to be upset after a difficult conversation, especially if it didn't go well.
- Reconnect with others. Reach out to others with your same experiences or those who are in the same position as you are. This could remind you of why you wanted to have the argument in the first place and to put into perspective why you are standing up for yourself or others.
- If you were standing up for overweight people, read from the overweight acceptance movement online.[13]
- If you were supporting the rights of disabled people, reach out to your friends from the disability community online.
- If you are an advocate for LGBT rights, try reading a blog about the progress the community has made, such as the right to marry and adopt.[14]
- If you are an advocate for the Black Lives Matter organization, look up when and where their next peaceful protest will be taking place.[15]
EditTips
- Understand that people benefit from privilege if they are in a group that benefits from systematic oppression, whether or not they personally have a problem with the oppressed group(s).
- While it’s important to get your point across effectively, don’t become angry and upset. Make your arguments clear and walk away with knowing you did your best to make your point.
EditWarnings
- When arguing, never resort to shouting, name-calling, insulting, or physical threats. If the other person responds in that manner, walk away from the discussion.
EditSources and Citations
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