How to Embrace Your Flaws

The whole concept of a personal "flaw" is flawed. A "flaw" is an imperfection, and there is no perfect human, so no human can be flawed. However, there may be aspects of your personality, your ability, or your habits that cause you distress under certain conditions. Learn to understand and love your whole self, and start calling those "flaws" by a different name.

EditSteps

EditBuilding a Realistic Self-Image

Rename your flaws. Avoid calling your flaws "flaws." Call them quirks, pet habits or "my thing." Don't characterize your "flaw" at all if you don't have to: instead, say you have a quick temper, or that it takes you a while to warm up to new people. Use language that is loving and detailed rather than vague and judgmental. Look in the mirror everyday and say, "I really love myself." Literally say it out loud. Get on top of a high building and shout "I'm proud of myself." Say, for example, your flaw was being extremely ugly. If so, get on top of your roof and shout, "I'm ugly and I'm proud." People will respect you for your newfound bravery.
- From now on, don't call your flaws "flaws." They are aspects of your being that occasionally cause you distress. By using the word "quirky" instead, you let people know that you don't think you have any flaws, which you don't.
Make a list of your strengths and abilities. Include everything that occurs to you. Do not eliminate any quality because you think it might be redundant or unexceptional. List things like patience, kindness, bravery, determination, taste, intelligence, or loyalty. Having a comprehensive self image will help you take a more realistic view of your failings.^[1]
- If you are feeling too down on yourself to make a list, free write for a while first.
List things you are proud of. List accomplishments such as achieved goals, moments you surprised yourself, and hard times you survived. You can be proud of recovering from a hard situation, being present for someone who was in a hard time, completing projects at work or in school, or things you have learned. Write down your masteries, the things you have learned to do well.^[2]
List and become aware of your unique tendencies or needs. Writing freely, list the things you do that you don't feel good about. List things about yourself that you wish would change. Be as specific as possible. For example, instead of writing "The way I look," write "I don't like it when my skin breaks out." If you are writing about an incident, put it in as much context as possible.
Think about past experiences. Ask yourself how you got your habits and way of being. Are they cultural? Familial? Biological? When do they happen? Were you criticized by others? Have you absorbed messages from companies trying to prey on your insecurities to sell you something? If you say things you later regret, ask yourself if this is a lack of tact you learned from your family, or if it is your reaction to awkward situations.^[3]
- If you spend too much money, ask yourself what triggers these incidents, how you first started spending money, and what you hope for when you are spending.
- The more you can understand these past behaviors, the more likely you can forgive yourself for them.^[4]
Reframe your thoughts.^[5] What made you consider each of these things as "flaws"? Do these qualities have positive sides? Look at your list of strengths and ask yourself if any of the strengths listed are also connected to the qualities you viewed as "flaws."^[6] Start to think about your characteristics in a positive way.^[7]
- Maybe you feel that you are too emotional. Reframe this thought to remind yourself that your emotionality is the reason why you have strong empathy skills to comfort others during hard times, and why people seek you out for care and assistance.
- Or perhaps you feel that you are too excitable, but that may tie into your incredible creativity.
- Positive reframing will not change these qualities, but it can give you a healthy change in perspective that will help you accept yourself.^[8]

EditPracticing Total Self-Acceptance

Avoid self-criticism. Treat yourself with loving compassion and respect. Instead of telling yourself off, speak to yourself calmly. When negative thoughts and feelings come to you, name them. Say "This is the I'm-too-fat thought," or, "Ah, here comes the 'everyone here knows more than me' thought."^[9]
Accept affirmation from others. When you are praised, say "Thank you." If a compliment is innocent and sincere, it is impolite to reject it. To reject a compliment means missing out on the chance for a positive connection with another, and a positive affirmation for yourself. Let your friends and family affirm you.
- If you are feeling truly down on yourself, you can ask someone you love to tell you something they like about you. Go ahead and return the compliment.
Notice if someone is trying to put you down. Some cruelty comes disguised as kindness. Do you have a friend who is always pointing out your shortcomings? Does anyone in your life make fun of you or criticize you in public or in private? When you are proud of something, does anyone try to take you down a notch by acting nonplussed or condescending?
- Try to eliminate these people from your life or spend as little time with them as possible.^[10]
Love it before you improve it. Accept the state you are in before you try making radical changes. If you try to fix yourself without acknowledging your inherent value and loveliness first, you may cause yourself harm. Improving yourself can be fruitful, but you have to love yourself first. Treat yourself like a flourishing garden that needs watering, pruning, planting, and general upkeep: not flood or fire.^[11]
- If you would like to do better in school, first tell yourself "I am intelligent, hard working, and I have dreams and ambitions. I am capable of doing the work I have set out to do."
- Do this instead of saying, for example, "I'm too stupid and lazy and I failed my last exam and I will fail the next one."
- Once you have a positive framework, you can work on your plan of action.
Reframe how you view self-improvement. When there is something you want to work on, don't treat it as eliminating or hiding a flaw of yours—instead, tell yourself you're gaining skills. You're already awesome; you're simply working on becoming more awesome.
- Instead of "I'm going to stop talking so much," tell yourself "I'm going to learn how to listen better."
- Instead of "I'm going to stop being so judgmental," try "I'm going to work harder on understanding and accepting perspectives and lifestyles different from my own."
- Instead of "I'm going to lose weight," try "I'm going to work on taking better care of my body by exercising more, eating better, and reducing stress."

EditMoving Forward

Know the difference between self-improvement and self-acceptance. Embracing your whole self, good and bad, does not mean you cannot commit yourself to personal growth, but you must view them as unrelated.^[12] Self-acceptance means you accept yourself as you are in this moment, imperfect and unique, with no conditions.
- If you keep thinking, "I can accept myself if I just stop eating so much and lose weight," then you are placing a condition on your self-acceptance that can always be disrupted.^[13] Feel free to pursue self-improvement, making yourself more effective or stronger, but never make that a condition of your self-acceptance.
Learn how to ask for help. It's natural to struggle or feel down about yourself sometimes. One of the ways to make things better is to talk about your feelings and ask the people around you for support. You don't have to be alone, and you deserve help.
- If you are having a hard time at school or work, talk to someone. They can provide a sympathetic ear and help you figure out how to make things better.
- If you often feel very negatively towards yourself, consider asking a doctor to screen you for issues such as anxiety, depression, and body dysmorphic disorder. It can get better, and getting help is the first step.
Find support groups. Support groups are available for a myriad of causes: from self-esteem building to eating disorder recovery. Consider looking up local support groups or finding positive online spaces if there is a particular thing you struggle with. The group can help you understand and accept your traits, and feel less alone.
- There are many groups oriented towards various minorities. From Health At Every Size to Autistic culture to asexuality.org, there are communities you can find that will support your self-esteem and help you cope.
Hang out with positive people. Choose to spend time with people who help you feel good about yourself. Limit your contact with people who make you feel worse. It's important to spend time with people who lift you up and make you happier.
- Take initiative and ask people to hang out with you. Invite them to take a walk with you, come over to chat, or make plans with them.
Work on forgiveness. As much as we might like to, we cannot change the past. Ruminating on past mistakes, whether they were a result of a decision you made or because a quirk in your personality caused you to behave in a certain way.^[14] All you can do is acknowledge the mistake and try to learn and grow from it.
- If you can't stop fixating on a mistake, say to yourself, "I made the best decision with the information that I had at the time."^[15] And now, with that mistake behind you, you have new information when making future decisions.

EditTips

Some "flaws" are actually symptoms of a disability, such as autism, dyslexia, or ADHD. If you have a lot of quirks that make you stand out, it may be worth doing some research and talking to a doctor. Diagnosing your disability can help you get help, understand yourself better, and connect with a supportive disability community.

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EditSources and Citations

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