How to Control Love

Emotions are nasty little buggers. They're our own, yet it feels like they're not. Whether you want to lessen your love, grow your love, or simply stabilize your love, you need to take the reigns and make them your own. With a few good, mindful habits, you can do just that.

EditSteps

EditDiminishing Existing Love

Don't allow yourself to fixate on the person. Whether we like it or not, we are in control of our thoughts. If the thought of this person comes to mind, the emotions are only going to be harder to control if you keep on thinking about them. So when they pop up, divert your path. Busy yourself. There's no fixating on your watch. Sure, they'll pop up from time to time, but you're not dwelling. No, sir.
- This goes for anything from love to dieting to quitting cigarettes. For the sake of example, let's say the image of a cheesecake pops into your mind. Before, you weren't even hungry. You weren't even contemplating dessert. But all of a sudden, you're thinking of cheesecake. You start imagining its creamy goodness and how it tastes, feeling the sweet-yet-tart strawberry juices on your tongue and the buttery crunch of the crust. The deeper and deeper you get, the more convinced you are that you want cheesecake. Now imagine if you had stopped thirty seconds ago. You wouldn't want cheesecake at all.
Come up with an "if-then" plan. Research says that we make better decisions if we plan ahead for them.^[1] We can't control our wants, but we can control our actions. A good diet plan isn't "I'm going to stop wanting french fries" – it's "I'm going to stop 'eating' french fries." So when you get that urge to love that person, replace it. If you want to call them, call your mom instead. If you want to check your texts for the thirty-third time this afternoon, then you'll go play Candy Crush instead. It's a plan to handle your wants and turn them into more constructive behaviors.
- Let's continue with the cheesecake example. You're really, really, really fond of cheesecake and you're starting to develop a problem. You're lying in bed one night telling yourself, "Tomorrow, I'm quitting the cheesecake. That simple." Right. By the morning, it's cheesecake for breakfast. Instead, think to yourself, "Tomorrow, if I want cheesecake, I'm going to eat the sugar-free kind. Then, I'll switch to sugar-free cheesecake with no crust. Then, I'll move to cheesecake strawberries. Then, it'll be just strawberries." That's more of a plan you can stick to.
Spend more time with others. This is not about spending less time with this person; it's about spending more time with others (though the two clearly go hand in hand). If you come home at night and have too much time to yourself, your mind is going to wander and those feelings are going to come back on the prowl. But if you surround yourself with others, you'll stay busy and get the reward of being social; which feels pretty dang good.
- What's more, you'll slowly come to find that other people are also interesting and that spending time with them is rewarding, too. Everyone has value and you're missing out when you don't learn about those around you. Take advantage of them being in your life and spend some quality time with them for your sake and the sake of your mental health.
Smile. It's simple enough to think that our minds control our bodies. When we get happy, we smile; when we get sad, we cry. But sometimes it's not that straightforward. It turns out the connections between our minds and bodies run both ways. If you want to make your mind feel something, you've only got to give it some body cues. If you smile, you'll feel happier, you'll be more prone to laugh, and your mind will be full of little endorphins running around, making you feel better.^[2] Those thoughts of the other person? Outta here.
- Go on, try it. Right now. Put a smile on your face and keep it there. Lift up your chin, throw your shoulders back, and smile. Odds are it felt at least a little good. And you know what else? According to research, smiling also makes us more attractive to others, can change our mood, relieve stress, boost the immune system, and even lower blood pressure.^[3]
Meditate. Smiling and meditating aren't so much about controlling love as controlling emotions. They both can make you happier and more "zen," which leads to feeling better and living the life you want and having the thoughts you want to have. That whole fixating thing will be so much easier not to do when your mind is centered and focused.^[4]
- All you need is 15 minutes or so a day to focus on, well, nothing. A bit of time to relax and soak nothing in but a sense of calm. This could be traditional mediation (ummmm) or even just sitting back and reading your favorite book if that's more up your alley. If it makes you feel zen, do it.
Do what you love to do. The best way to keep yourself distracted and not thinking about this person is to fill your life with things that make you happy and feel fulfilled. If you love playing guitar, play guitar till the cows come home. If you love painting, paint. If you love setting up dolls and taking pictures of them performing in a circus, heck, do that. It doesn't matter so long as it gets your mind rolling on the right, positive path.
- When a large part of your life is dedicated to doing something that gives you purpose, everything else sort of falls by the wayside. Those feelings you don't want to feel, gone. That fixating? A thing of the past. You're cool, calm, and collected, because you literally have better things to do than to obsess over this person.

EditGrowing Potential Love

Make yourself present with the person. One of the most basic things you can do when you're with a person is to be there with them. It sounds easy, but when's the last time you were with someone and you felt like they were 100% with you? Not on their phone, not their eyes darting around people watching, not flipping through the channels; just there with you. If you can be that person, not only will they appreciate you more, but you'll feel more connected to them, too.
- Whether it's been arranged for you, it's just something that you want to work out, or you're trying to turn over a new I-can-do-healthy-relationships leaf, sometimes love needs a large amount of work, and even from the get-go. While you can't really force love, you can stroke its fire and help it grow, if the attraction and the willingness is there. Being present with the person is the first step to doing just that.
Open yourself up. We all know those people that keep to themselves and never open up. Why do they do that? Well, sometimes it's to avoid attachment. The more you let someone in, the harder it is to get them out, you know? If you want your love to grow, you have to be willing to make yourself vulnerable. Share about yourself and you may find that you feel an intrinsic connection to them.^[5]
- You can start out small, by simply sharing stories of your past. Then you can start onto things you like and dislike, and how people and things make you feel. Don't delve into your deepest, darkest fears just yet; you can do that when you're ready.
See the depths of who they are. The more you open yourself up to this person, the more they'll likely open up to you in turn. You'll start to see them for the unique human they are, and that can be a fascinating, eye-opening experience. They'll become multi-dimensional, quirky, and interesting. Quite a few emotions can ride on the tails of dynamism and time.
- Take a moment to think about how they exist outside of your own imagination. How cool is it that they can see you? That they can surprise you? That they are thinking thoughts right this very moment that you'll never be privy to? If you can see them as a remarkable human being, love could be the next logical step.
Take a look into yourself. Sometimes the way we feel has very little to do with the other person. We take circumstances and events and interpret them how we see them and we can't seem to help but close our mind to other possibilities. So the next time you're thinking about this person, could you be holding yourself back?
- Take this for example: let's say your husband comes home after work and immediately turns on the television. You're upset because you feel unwanted and ignored. While you definitely have the right to your feelings, could you also give a little, admitting that this is his "me-time" and that he doesn't mean it personally? Opening your mind to the other side of the story will make it easier for the love to flow.
Abandon the fear and defensiveness. Sometimes it has nothing to do with circumstance either and all to do with what's in our heads. Is it possible you're not ready for a relationship? That you haven't mastered self-love yet, much less the ability to love someone else? Take a look into yourself and search for any negative emotions that could be holding you back. Grab a hold of these and your love life could be a different story.^[6]
- It's easy to walk into a relationship full of fear and defensiveness and have it go nowhere. We're afraid to open ourselves up and allow ourselves to be loved for fear that it may not happen just when we need it most. In order for love to bloom, these fears have to be abandoned. It's not easy, but it is possible with self-awareness and the desire to improve.

EditKeeping Love Slow and Steady

Take baby steps. When babies take their first steps, they are never sure if they shall reach the next side, but they believe in themselves and hope to reach it and slowly and gently they do. When they arrive at their destination, they smile innocently and you can feel they joy of success in their beautiful eyes and smile achievement. Relationships are similar; take the baby steps, feel the calm, and take the chance.
- New relationships are the most fun in the beginning stages and it's during this pivotal time when it's easy to take unnecessary leaps. Try your best to keep a logical head and take those baby steps. It'll help you from getting too overly emotional and watch out for future you.
Spend time with your friends. It's easy to find a new love and want to devote all your time to them. Unfortunately, sometimes this results in relationship burn out. You become clingy or desperate and don't even remember how to function without the other person. To avoid this, make sure you maintain your friendships. They were there before, they're there during, and they'll be there after if you need someone to help you pick up the pieces. Don't let them go!
- What's more, they'll keep you balanced and rational. Not only with good advice, but by simply spending time with different people. Your thoughts won't be fixated only on this other person and you'll still be that complex, interesting person you've always been with strong relationships to prove it.
Put on your "rational" hat. If you're the type that falls in love too quickly, it can be helpful to don your "rational" hat once in a while (if not more often).^[7] This is when you take a look at your life (or life in general) and aim to think logically. Here's a few thoughts that can keep the crazy lovelorn-ness at bay:
- This person is great, sure, but realistically they're no greater than other fish in the sea. Humans, overall, are pretty similar creatures.
- Love comes and goes. Your previous relationships have faded, and this one might, too, at some point. Might as well make the most of it while it lasts.
- Emotions are fickle little things. You only think you feel them; if you change your mind, you won't. So while you may feel overwhelmed with emotion, that's just your mind playing temporary tricks on you. Just little hormones going off in your head; it's no more real than that.
Take a moment to just chill. Instead of stalking this person outside their house at night, sending them flowers to work, leaving notes on their car, or asking them to hang out 24/7, let's take a moment to focus on staying cool, calm, and collected. You'll be more attractive if you just chill, and you'll probably feel better about yourself, too. When the emotions attack, recognize that they're attacking. Then you can make a logical decision on how to react.
- If you feel yourself losing your cool, take a step back. Breathe, and come up with a plan to distract yourself. Pick up a video game, call up a friend, or go shopping. Recognize that you're getting a little too emotional and that it's not in your best interest right now. If you need, call up a friend, say you're feeling a little anxious/love torn/crazy, and let them distract you. After all, that's what friends are for.
Let it grow naturally. Sometimes people get so wrapped up in their complexes that they try to make reality fit their definition of what life or love should be like. They say "I love you" too quickly, get married too quickly, or even end things too quickly. Take some time to know yourself and what behaviors you're compelled to do and why. Do you actually love this person, or do you just want someone to say "I love you" to?
- When it all feels right, when it all feels compelled by a force you can't withstand, that's letting it grow naturally. Forcing it into a box is getting wrapped up in an idea or feeling and letting that determine your behavior. Instead, go with the flow. When the timing's right, it's right.